Although the date on the calendar is 11th Feb, being Chinese, the year isn’t over yet. In 4 days, the lunar calendar will mark the end of the year of the Rooster and enter the year of the Dog.
My grandma passed away, she was just a few days away from her 89th birthday. My dad flew home and spent the last few days with his mum. My grandma’s name is Bao Yilan. She has never been to school, raised one daughter and four sons. When I was little, I often spent school holidays at grandma’s home. She is a devoted Hui muslim (Chinese minority). I still recall when I was young and I would wake up in the dark, sensing her doing the morning pray next to me. She taught me the Islam prayer and I can still say it till today (although I am not a Muslim).
In the last few years, I only saw my grandma once or twice a year, each time it was a brief visit. She lost her 3rd son (probably her favourite child) to a car accident 13 years ago. Since that accident, she had experienced bouts of severe depression and rarely left the house. The relationship with grandma is a little bit difficult to describe. There is the strong bond between her and me, but when she was right in front of me, I felt my grandma is somewhere faraway I can’t really connect to. Its like my real grandma, the one who spent quality time with me when I was a little kid is hidden behind years of grief and boredom.
Do I feel guilty for not trying my best to understand my grandma, reach her pain, and try to talk to her more? I think deep down I do have some guilt for not making her life better. The best I can do now is to remember the things she taught me, things like not wasting food, be honest, be kind to those less fortunate, be tidy and eat slowly. These are the things grandma have taught me over and over again when I was little.
I also want to thank her for showing me her commitment to her Islamic faith. We are living in the world that is divided by religion. I am fortunate to live in a multi-cultured family. I learnt the rituals of Islam not through media and books but by living with my grandma. What does Islam mean to me? It always have some association with water and purity. My grandma would wash herself many times as part of the daily prayer. It was a very soothing and peaceful process. Writing down these words bring me back to that moment, standing next to her hearing the water splashing and dripping in the sink, the fresh scent and also grandma’s white skin and black long hair.
I wish grandma will have a good reunion with grandpa and my uncle. If heaven do exist, I trust it is a place for loved ones to reunite.
Till then
LIYANG'S THOUGHTS 