Today Ingrid turned 3 months old. We celebrated at my parents place with some yummy dinner together. We are in the 5th week of the lockdown, this is probably the 4th or 5th lockdown we had since the pandemic started. For some reason, I find this round a lot harder than the previous ones.
I heard a very good podcast by Brene Brown and Amy Cuddy on Pandemic Flux Syndrome. It explained quite well why lots of people finding life is not getting any easier. First of all, our nerve system depleted. I recall at the start of pandemic, I felt full of energy, I was part of the 5 million in NZ to fight this virus. As a community, friends and neighbours reached out to each other via texts and video calls, we checked on people, work organised Zoom tea parties. People were reaching out to those they normally would not spend much time with face to face. There was a real sense of facing a global issue together. There was lots of fear but equally lots of courage and kindness.
But now we are over a year and half into this pandemic, I am a little tired of trying to be brave, kind and courageous. I just want to know for certain when we can resume travel again, I want to stand in queue outside a boarding gate holding my ticket to hop on the plane and visit somewhere I have never been, or visit families and friends abroad. I am tired of feeling worried and concerned about all aspects of life. The constant worry of hand sanitising, wearing mask, wipe off groceries, keeping my kids safe really start getting me impatient with daily activities. Actually I have not wiped groceries once since this lockdown started, and I stoped wearing masks in outdoor spaces.
Another thing I noticed with myself and people around me is that many people want to change something big in their life. Half of my team at work have quit and moved on to new companies. It may be due to people have lots of time to reflect on their life and career.
Psychologists find that we are not very good at forecasting how good or how bad we feel when something happens. For example, many people thought post lockdown they can finally be out having dinner with friends and families, but the joy and excitement they felt were not as strong as they expected during lockdown. Also reading news about the devastating numbers of death around the world, people can still carry on with daily life and not affected too much by these tragic numbers. In summery, we may not feel as good as we thought we would be when something positive happens. Equally when something bad happens in life, we may also surprise ourselves that we are resilient enough to face it.
I felt a little more reassured that there were many people felt it hard to be at this stage of the pandemic. I am not naive to think life will go back to normal, we most likely will never have the pre-covid life back. It’s the uncertainty and the take 5 steps forward 3 steps back making me feeling fatigue and impatient.
Often I am good at seeing the silver linings in life, but this time, I just gonna tell myself it sucks to be in lockdown, it may not get any better. Even if it gets better, I may not feel as amazing as I expect to be, let the past year and half teach me being comfortable in the uncomfortable. Take uncertainty as the only certain thing in life.
LIYANG'S THOUGHTS 