Getting into three months of lockdown, who is counting the numbers and days? When this lockdown was announced, I told my friends we would be out of this in a few days. I guess it is possible that I make mistakes too.
This time last year, when the rest of the world was struggling to keep up with the spreading of the virus, we were the rare and lucky ones, My daughter’s day care held the Christmas concert and hosted all the families for the annual BBQ. When my family attended, we almost felt a bit guilty thinking about the restrictions our overseas family and friends were experiencing. Now I am looking at photos of my brother travelling in Southern Spain with envy, hoping that soon we will also be at the airport waiting to get on a flight to reunite with family and friends in far far away lands.
I cant be sure why sometime during the day, I experience this sinking feeling. It feels like I am sinking in quick sand and there is no bottom to it. I am curious why I would feel this way, also once this feeling started it leads to a bit of anxiety as well. I feel anxious of not having enough energy to focus on all the tasks at hands, feeding baby, keeping a toddler entertained, make our home nice and tidy, thinking of meals to eat (luckily I am not in charge of cooking, just to contribute ideas), then thoughts snowball into future work, renovation, money, health, family and even the current political climate. I would catch myself when I start solving world problems, surprisingly breastfeeding a 5 months old baby is great for grounding myself. I look at the sweet and content face of my baby, it helps me to steady my breathing, then calm my mind. Slowly, I am pulled back to the present moments, looking at my family, thinking how lucky I have them close to me, I can hug them tightly whenever I want to.
See, its a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions throughout the day, from boredom to blissfulness, from feeling restless to staying still, from wanting to do everything to choose to do nothing, from making a million plans to abandon them all and only think about what’s for dinner.
I told Magnus I learnt a bit more about myself, I desire to have chunks of time to immerse myself into completing a task. I dont enjoy managing multiple things and with many interruptions in between. However, domestic life is filled with pauses here and there. Children do not stick to appointments, giving me chunks of days to do my thing then when I finish, they fit in the rest of the day. Children are great Zen masters, they seize the moment better than me. They know “now” is more important than “later”, if you feel like doing something, just do it. Do not wait. Try less planning. More doing.
Right now, there is so much to adapt, notice the urge, get curious, and work it out.
LIYANG'S THOUGHTS 