Category: Anything and everything

• I am grateful that we both have jobs and my work is essential business during lock down
• I am grateful Isabella hurt her arm today and we saw our family doctor very easily, he fixed her arm straight away
• I am grateful I can read both English and Chinese, so I can get information from both languages
• I am grateful that I am fit and healthy, I enjoy exercise, yoga and walk
• I am grateful I can hear many great thoughts and read many great books
• I am grateful my parents both are healthy
• I am grateful my in-laws came to visit us and also returned home safely
• I am grateful my loved ones are not affected by the virus so far
• I am grateful I have great friends who I can chat and share thoughts with
• I am grateful I can communicate easily with people around me
• I am grateful I have a healthy appetite and enjoy delicious home cooked meals daily
• I am grateful where I live there are lots of green spaces
• I am grateful for all the amazing people who come across my path, I learnt a lot from them
• I am just very grateful that I am here today

Things have changed so quickly this week. On Monday I noticed Air New Zealand announced they are cutting down 85% of long haul flights. I decided to book the flight for mum who was in Canada visiting her brother to return home soon. By Wednesday NZ announced they are shutting down the borders only allowing PR and Citizens to enter. Wed and Thur were the sleepless nights for me, thankfully mum’s flight was not cancelled. She made it home this morning, my dad dropped her car at the airport and she drove herself home starting the 2 weeks isolation. My dad moved in with us.

The stress level is up and down, last time I felt this anxious was waiting to fly out of Beijing while I was pregnent with Bella. I had always felt a bit nervous with flights, This time I am very thankful for Air NZ to continue the Vancouver – Auckland flight which brought mum back to us.

Things are not well in NZ. I am hoping the government can quickly escalate the level of urgency of the situation so that people can stop moving around. We are carrier of the virus, every time we step outside the door we are risking our own health and other people’s. I felt angry when someone at work continued to sneeze and cough and still be in the office. This person even wanted to pat her hand on me when she wanted a friendly chat. I just really don’t understand why our perceptions of reality can be so drastically different. Why can’t people take social distancing seriously? While I write this, someone in the neighbourhood is having a birthday party, as I can hear them singing songs. We live in multiple realities, some people are consumed by fear and they are struggling with the situation, some people continue to go out clubbing and still go to work thinking that they “just have a cold”.

What I have learnt is that as humans are we will never agree on anything, sometime to achieve a common goal some extreme measures need to be taken. I read an article that after this pandemic the world will become smaller, less open and less tolerant. I choose not to believe in this. I think this virus are teaching us some very important lessons right now:

1. Be close to people who matter
2. Do NOT mess with nature
3. Slow down, focus on the simple things
4. Think before you act

I dont know by the end of the year what kind of things I am going to write down. All I know is that the next 4 weeks will be more and more challenging for each one of us. However, what I can choose is my mindset. Bring this on. I am moving on this earth with grace, carrying hope and deliver it with clarity and strength. May you and the ones you love all be healthy and prosper.

Yesterday I went to a play workshop, the theme is “Other”. Its an immersive type of play, which rely on spontaneous acts from the participants through games, dance and poetry. I am not a big fan of plays, but I decide to participate in it because the theme is relate to being Chinese.

The group is made up by people from different ages and backgrounds, one thing in common is that we all looked Asian. Black hair , yellow skin. Some of them are Malaysian Chinese, some are 2nd or 3rd generation New Zealander Chinese. The workshop started with dancing to break the ice, then followed with questions and statements which each person share with the group what their opinions are.

What surprised me is what I wrote at the end of the session during a 2 mins free writing, basically you write nonstop for 2 mints of whatever came to your mind. Here is my writing ” I am not easily satisfied. I don’t agree with lots of things happening right now in the world. I see lots of pain and injustice. I lost beliefs in many things I use to believe in. I felt there are rules which ordinary hardworking people live by, but the rich and powerful can disregard these rules. I use to be easily satisfied with explanations on things now I question many of them. I ask why and become suspicious of the answers given to me. I became more curious what forms our society and how public opinions are shifted.”

This workshop is to discuss what its like being Chinese living in a non-Chinese society. I am not sure how I end up with these thoughts from a culture and identity workshop. For the past few weeks so much happened around me. I am amazed and at the same time dumbfounded by how bizarre things happen in life. I have not experienced such intense self reflection in a long time. In times of change and uncertainty, we are faced with the fundamental questions of who I am. What I can do. What I am trying to achieve.

I understand it is important not to become too self indulgent, things go on, the sun will rise. Human and nature carry on as usual through the good and the bad. I will adapt to strange situations and the same time find new ways to enjoy different aspects of life. 

I have been doing meditation every morning before I get into the office. I have not noticed any significant changes with me, probably that I am more aware of my moods throughout the day.

Not sure how to end this note, be well, go well. Wishing light is with you, whoever is reading it.

我生活在新西兰最大的城市奥克兰，在这里上大学，工作，结婚生子，生活近20年。我来这里读书那年是2003年2月，SARS爆发时少年不知愁滋味，每天考虑的是吃什么，雅思考试如何，英文怎样能最快的学好。那时没有社交媒体，家人从国内发来消息，我看了也仅仅是担忧，但主要还是把精力放在了自己努力适应新环境上。

 

我从来没想过这次的疫情对我带来的心理动荡这么大。我觉得很大的可能是因为2015和2016在北京生活工作的时间，让我认识了很多人，同时心理上对国内发生的一切都有了一种更亲近的感觉。另一方面是因为我在新西兰的工作一直是和亚洲有关。之前是文化推广，现在是做一个新西兰本土的日用品出口市场的工作，专门负责亚洲的国家。我曾经参与组织的元宵灯节在奥克兰举办了20年，今年第一次取消。

 

一月底快过年的时候，我在公司组织了中国年午餐，从餐馆定了好多好吃的，送到了公司，和大家庆祝新年。还给这边同事们解释他们每个人生肖属相怎么算，来年的运程如何。中国是我们出口的市场中很重要的地区，双十一我们也有庆祝。那天午餐吃一半，公司所在的市中心大面积停电，大家就提前下班回家了。现在想来，预示着接下来于我而言每一日的黑暗。

 

年三十之后每天就是刷微信朋友圈，看微博新闻，心里越来越担忧。上班的时候，和公司仅有的几位中国同事分享新的消息，为国内的家人朋友担忧。我就像活在两个平行世界，一边儿太平日子，大家下班还能去海边散步游泳，周末烧烤聚会继续进行。另一边，看着一家人困在一起，在微博上求助。有些人一生在社交媒体上被转发最多的帖子可能是自己的遗言。有病治不了，家人一个个离去，微信都开发了视频遗嘱公证的功能。

 

奥克兰突然所有药店，超市的口罩，洗手液，消毒液脱销了。当地人不戴口罩，因为暂时还没有确诊的。有华人在商场戴口罩，还被歧视了，上了新闻。我虽然没有直接听到任何歧视的言论，但现在去健身房，我自觉去最靠里面的机器健身。可能是我敏感吧，这个课一般只有我一个“非白人”上，这几周来，我身边的机器一直都空着，其他机器都满着。早上听新闻，新西兰一开始说不会对中国有禁令，但WTO宣布疫情严重后，澳洲先开始行动，新西兰紧跟着也拒绝所有从中国来的游客。我高中很好的朋友原本二月初会来新西兰旅游，行程也取消了。

 

现在的我，突然对自己的种族身份更敏感了。我其实自认为在这里融入得很好，身边朋友来自很多不同的国家，我也不把自己当外人。但最近这段时间去哪里，都留意了一些，还是隐约担心因为自己的黄皮肤，黑头发被人排挤。在公共场合，还给自己心理建设，如果真有人冲我喊不好听的话，是该反击还是怎样。

 

啰啰嗦嗦写了这些，这件事到现在对我最大的震撼就是让我反思自己是一个怎样的人。我以前自认为自己是支持平等，自由，还算正直。今天，读到李文亮医生逝世的消息，我从来没有意识到一个素未平生的人的死对我的震撼会这么大。地理位置来看，我们相隔太远，可能如果不是这个疫情，一辈子都不会知道对方的存在。但我心里是真的很疼，而且很瞧不起我自己。生活里我当然见过不公和不实的事情，但我又做过些什么呢？我几乎什么也没做。不仅如此，我还会自我麻醉，生活不愁吃穿，有很多选择，这有什么可以抱怨？但其实不是的，一个人再怎样脱离母体社会，还是会被其所影响。看看现在发生的一切，就是事实。我为自己每一个曾经粉饰太平的言论而惭愧和自责。该较真，该支持弱者的时候，我没有发声，于是，有了今天这个局面。

 

明天太阳升起，我还是会继续找找看有没有口罩可以买，还是会担心哪天病毒突然会离我很近，还是会为读到的每一个陌生人的经历而痛彻心扉。这些情绪有用吗？也许没有。痛得久了，会麻木吗？很有可能。但我深深的相信，这个疫情是一个转折点，让每一个尚有良知的人，在痛过后反思，我们能做什么，我们究竟是一个什么样的人。

 

我有一个下周就要过三岁生日的女儿，她每天很早就起来，听着她的脚步声，踢踢踏踏的到我房间，冲我喊：“mommy come on, get up！” 我就提醒自己，醒来，别趴下。保持清醒，热血而不失冷静。

 

 

上周末我们搬进了新家。但我完全没有住进新家的欣喜。因为中国正被疾病威胁，我读着新闻，心里很难不去想我的祖国。 我很少用我的祖国来说中国，我也不是一个很爱国的人，没做过什么实际的贡献。 但不知道为什，看着武汉疫情肆虐，很多人发出求救，说起他们被疾病夺走亲人的经历，我心里很难受。

武汉这个城市我是去过的，很短暂的停留。是2016年带Ratatat在五个城市巡演的其中一站。还记得刚到武汉的那天，我们非常累，下着大雨，他们带了近20件行李。我们辗转于高铁， 机场， 租车，在去场地的路上堵车很厉害。我印象里到处都在修路，绕了一个超大的转盘之后，我们终于到了目的地。 办住宿的时候，发现就在场地的楼上。是那种很便宜供很多大学生住的类似情侣酒店的地方。我记得这么清楚，是因为我们去房间的电梯里是一对一对的年轻情侣， 那天没记错的话是5.20. 因为还有些女孩子手里捧着玫瑰花。乐队进了他们各自的房间， 发现有一个房间还没打扫，堆满了啤酒瓶，和一桌散乱的麻将。顿时我的脾气就上来了，因为我们之前起早赶飞机，真的很累，发现住宿环境连基本的卫生都保持不了，实在很心烦。干脆带着乐队的人一起出去吃午餐，然后再去调音。吃的好像是有糖醋鱼，吃完饭大家心情一下就好了，所以很多事是一顿饭可以解决的。

之后大家就到了场地vox，我记得场地好像是要走上很多楼梯，提着大箱子和乐器上去。场地的年轻人很热情， 也很配合。场地老板是我当时公司里很多人都熟悉的朋友，对我们非常好，还送给我一件白色的体恤衫。那晚演出很棒，有好多有意思的人来。我真发现一个地方的好坏取决于那里的人。我记得一对长得很好看的夫妇带着两岁的小孩儿也来了演出，做爸爸的把小孩儿放在肩膀上看演出。演出之后，Mike在签售周边的时候，还给粉丝素描画像，好多姑娘们都很开心围着他。演出结束，场地外面已经摆起了长长的夜市，好多武汉的小吃，有臭豆腐之类的。我们几个就坐在街边的塑料板凳上，吃了很多，喝了很多啤酒，聊了很多天。初夏的温度也适宜，不是很热。 第二天我们去机场的路上发现一把琴丢在了场地， 因为晚上太黑了， 收东西的时候没看清。场地的一个小兄弟自己打车又回到场地，把琴给我们直接送到机场。武汉给我的印象是烟雨濛濛，热情的年轻人，很多有趣的人。一个需要点时间，就会喜欢上的城市。

现在想想我认识的几个武汉人都很棒，做事情有魄力， 把事情能做的很好。回顾历史，武昌起义一炮打响，改写了中国的近代史。武汉是一个卧虎藏龙的地方。黄冈之前是我们上高中时做习题，一听就知道题很难的地方。很多练习册是要黄冈出的，才会买。因为武汉的人高考高分很多，所以大家觉得能把他们那里的习题做对了，考大学也有底儿。

我今天看一个武汉的视频，才知道长江就从这个城市穿过。我对中国很多城市了解的都不多。有时我嫌别人对我的家乡了解少， 我自己又何尝不是对很多地方一知半解呢？

写到这里，我的心还是沉甸甸的，因为一场疫情，有多少家庭要承受伤痛。从病人， 到医务人员，再到每一个普通人， 都在经历前所未有的困境和压力。记得去年国庆的时候，大家都在说“这盛世，如你所愿”。但谁料到盛世这个东西可能仅仅延续那么一秒，一天，一个月。这世界千变万化，有高就有低。现在的我们在低谷里穿行，充满不安和恐惧，但只有耐心，勇气，同理心才能帮我们穿越山谷，重见阳光。

武汉，我不说加油，仅说你的伤痛我晓得。