Category: Anything and everything

It was a very heavy documentary to watch. It is not just about Michael Jackson, its more about the complexity of human nature, our desires, fears, childhood trauma, and the impact of becoming a parent.

One thing after watching this I learnt about myself is my lack of passion on something tor someone isn’t necessary a loss. I never really chased a star or one hobby. Sometime I envy people who have total passion towards one sports, one idol or one particular thing (religion). I just don’t have it. I try many things, I enjoy different experiences life can offer. But by the end of the day I don’t fall head over heels for anything. I always thought this is a bad thing, that lack of total commitment to one particular thing, almost like lack of faith. I miss out on being in a fan club or a community, I can’t relate to that hysteria towards something so many are crazy about.  After watching this documentary I think having an open mind is a good thing. Change is constant, so believing in something or someone completely without any doubt can lead to disastrous consequences, just like the lives being destroyed in this documentary.

My parents raised me in a way to have total commitment to myself. It is not to say I am a narcissist, I lack of confidence in many of my abilities. Its more that no matter what faults or imperfections I have, I need to accept myself first. Never try to be someone else, or completely think another person has it all and want to be that person. I remember when I was a kid I would never want to borrow someone’s toy or clothes. Either I own it or if it does not belong to me, I don’t want to hold it just temporarily or pretend to have it for a while. This kind of honesty and acceptance of reality is something I want to instill in my child. One does not need to be perfect to be accepted or loved, the imperfections make one unique in a way that can never be replaced by someone else.

Towards the end of the documentary, when Wade talked about he became a father and all the confusions about right and wrong were gone. He was super clear about boundaries and what actions are acceptable towards his child. I totally relate to this. I mentioned many times that becoming a parent cut out a lot of bullshit in life for me. I don’t pretend to do things I don’t see worth my time, as I want to spend that time with my child. I can relate to lots of pains that families go though when it is about something terrible happen to their children. My heart becomes bigger and stronger and fragile and softer all at the same time since I became a mother. There are so much pain and joy co-exsist together in parenthood. These conflicts were captured really vividly in this documentary.

I always had this tremendous fear towards child sex abuse, after watching this I had to face up to the horrendous details victims go through. Somehow it made me less afraid of it. The monster is always more scary in the dark, when you face it, the power seem to diminish a little.

I am so thankful I have amazing parents who not only protect me with all their power during my childhood, they also taught me some very strong values and skills to survive this harsh world. I have so much love from my family. They trust me, support me and feel proud of me. I think one of the factors help a child grow into a decent person is based on how much kindness the child received while growing up. When you are loved, you learn to love others.

中文这个词豁达， 我还真不确定英文怎么说。但这是一个好东西，有了它，人生路上很多麻烦都可以迎刃而解。 但这个解，未必真的解决了问题，只是放得下，能甘心绕刃离开。

我很好的一个朋友分手了。 因为两人各分两地的关系吧。 到我这个阶段， 大部分人都在生小孩儿。分手的事情还不常听说，也许再过10年会比较多。 我不清楚感情这种事情用豁达有没有用，反正面对生死肯定是需要一些的。 我和分手的两个人都有联系， 聊了一下，两人都很伤心，但面对现实， 决定分道扬镳。 其实两人能遇见，在一起，就不容易， 能相处很多年更难得， 现在要分开了，肯定很难过。 她们在自己的国家不可能一起生活，一个人出去了，另一个人又不愿放弃一切去新的国家重新开始。 毕竟， 到了这个阶段， 从零开始真的很难。 活得时间久了，觉得看所有事情没有那么黑白分明了。年轻些， 总是会赶紧战队， 分出谁对谁错。 现在很多事情，每个人的困境都能有所体会，人生百味也尝了一些，就更难断是非。 像我在这里道人是非，也说的模棱两可分不清自己的思路是什么。

回到主题，希望这两个人都能有一些豁达来帮她们渡过难过的时光。豁达也许解决不了问题，但在这沉重的现实中，能帮你放轻脚步，轻装前行。 人生里所有的颠来倒去，到头来不过是难从命与莫回头。

不怕记不住 就怕忘不了

忘不了 就太熟了

太熟了 就要跑

流年暗涌 会者定离

I have been unwell since we got back from Norway, but I kept ignoring it and continued to work until felt really awful last week. I have been given some strong meds for the asthma. When I went to see the GP, he was surprised I still managed to go to work most of the week with a low oxygen level in my blood. I was given one of these meds has steroids, it is like take many shots of double espresso in one go. I felt pretty good the first evening took it, my chest felt open, the air can go through much easier and I finally can sleep through the night first time in a week. But the dose is quite strong, some of the mornings I felt quite nauseous and my heart pumped fast after taking it.

The older I get the more I think of how I was brought up and my relationship with my parents puzzle me. Actually my mum and dad are probably the most open-minded, cool, supportive and loving parents one can ever hope for. I think because when I was little, my mum had been quite anxious whenever I got sick. So now when I am sick and they live just 5 minutes away, I didn’t want to share with them my health problems. I felt their attention on me and their worries make me feel quite anxious and uneasy, I am under pressure to get well ASAP to make them feel better. I am not sure why I am under this pressure especially since now they live near us. It could be a result of all those worries and fears around me when I was sick during my childhood.

The last couple of weeks I was immersed in this Chinese music reality show The Big Band. It brought memories back from the Beijing days. The main reason is because many of these bands I have heard a lot during my work in Beijing, some of the people behind these bands were my old colleagues or work contacts. I am very happy to see independent musicians can have their turn to shine on a big stage and let more people hear their music through mainstream platforms. I can’t help to think of those days I toured with bands through different cities in China, also went to gigs in those now well known Beijing venues. I count myself lucky to have met some of the most creative, independent thinking, daring and interesting people in Beijing. They set the scene in that city.

Beijing has left a mark on me which I only realised after left the place 3 years ago. The two years spent there felt way more intense than 5 years spent in NZ. I struggled a lot with the work cultures there, the constant WeChat messages, no one checks emails, people don’t follow schedules. I was frustrated most of the time, complaining a lot. Now looking back, it was also a very fun, creative, and free period of my life. I was lucky to have made some meaningful connections with some unique people, their life showed me how to maintain true to oneself in a very chaotic environment. How to adapt to changes but remain unchanged. If you can achieve that in China, you are a legend.

Please let me be healthy and strong again, I promise I will be active, and watch less Netflix on the couch.

I can’t believe Netflix made this show Flowers in 2016 then 2018, total of two seasons, and I only watched it today.  I never heard of it before. The only thing I know is the lead female actor who plays the mum in the family won the Oscar for her role in The Favourite.

This show shakes my view on a few things, it makes me to think more on the difficult things in life, suicide, depression, mental illness. This crazy family’s story was told in such a beautiful, weird, dark and humours way. The last episodes in both Season 1 and 2 break my heart to pieces, but the same time make me feel a strong sense of power that is hard to describe.

One line in the 2nd last episode of the show, when the daughter discovered she probably  has the same mental illness as her grandfather, and this illness runs like a family curse, she said :” I can take this hell and turn it into heaven, I can do it.”  I wonder how many times when someone struggling with severe depression or mental illness tell themselves that they can do this, they can fight this. I have family and friends who have been through this. Some of them don’t make it in this fight, they depart early. Sometime we wonder can’t they be a bit stronger and hold on a little longer for the ones who love them deeply? But then who are we to judge? You can’t see the pain they are going through. Some of them can not even describe how they are feeling.

In this world right now with so many conflicts and divides amongst people, its rare to watch something so raw and beautiful. The young Japanese boy who stays with the family, his story is just so heart breaking. How does a person survive when they lose everyone he loves? We praise those who carry on and survive day by day, it takes tremendous amount of courage. The 1st season revealed his courage in such a sad and funny way, his whole body language is screaming of making the effort to carry on.  The 2nd season continues to tell his struggle and pain so vividly. It’s so hard not to feel the pain, but at the same time this darkness has its own unique beauty which is near impossible to describe it.

We are lucky to be born and grow up. If you ever held a baby you know how fragile and small it is, for this tiny being to grown up , requires a lot of love, help and care. Life is a miracle and I do firmly believe it. But sometime we forget death and life are side by side, there are small differences between them. For those who holds the wisdom and clarity to understand this, it may be a burden to carry.

All I want to say is that after watching Flowers, I think I understand a bit more of other’s struggle and pain. Also gained a glimpse of why some people make certain decisions as they do.