I can’t believe today is the first day of Chinese Lunar New Year already! I am yet to capture the key things took place in 2022. So let’s get on with it.

January – What happened? Let me think. We were still going in and out of lockdowns. We had the first Christmas and New Year with Ingrid being the new addition to our family. We went to Wellington visit Jennifer and John.

February – We planned to celebrate Isabella’s birthday at a park with picnic, but her teacher at daycare had Covid, so we had to isolate as well. Friends dropped off her birthday gifts at our door, we also decorated her room to make the occasion special. Isabella started her first day at school. Due to Covid restrictions, she did not have a goodbye party at her daycare, also we could not drop her off at her classroom on her 1st day. The same time, Ingrid started 3 days at daycare, she was 7 months old and yet to crawl.

March – Magnus turned 40 this month, he went out with some friends to celebrate. My work got increasingly frustrating, I was losing sleep and not coping well. Magnus started to work at a new job.

April – One day Isabella came to me with a picture of her hiding behind the wall, and me tidying up the kitchen. She explained she saw how tired and stressed I was, and it made her feel sad. So I decided something need to change, I resigned. Had a lovely Easter break with friends at an Air BnB in Cambridge.

May – I finished my last day at the job after being there for 4 years. It was such a great relief to leave the toxic environment. I was very fortunate to have my family support me. There was no new role lined up yet, I needed a break.

June – Job searching, soul searching, recovering. NZ opened to the world. Signed contract with a new role, starting in August. 10 families came to our house to celebrate Ingrid’s 1st birthday.

July – My uncle came from Canada spent 2 weeks with us, then he went back to China. The last time I saw him was over 10 years ago. We went to Rotorua on the last weekend of the month and came home with Covid and fleas infested house.

August – Spoke at an event on my first day at the new job, sharing experience on NZ China related topics. Recovered from Covid after 2 weeks. Apart from Bella, we all got Covid. Once we all recovered, got pest control to help, as we flea bombed the house 3 times and didn’t manage to get rid of it completely.

September – My brother came from overseas stayed with us for a month, it was so good to have him with us after 3 years. He went to Cook Island with my parents for a week too. Mum visited ER again, but this time my brother stayed with her.

October – I enjoy the new job very much, it was good to reconnect with lots of old contacts from my previous role before we left for Beijing. It was good to contribute my time and energy into something I truly care about again. I felt what I do once again aligned with what I believe in.

November – With a very last minute notice, I hosted an event. It was very nerve wrecking, but I managed to pullit off and not disappoint myself and my team. It was good to build confidence through accepting challenges I would not normally agreed to take on.

Some very sad news from my hometown, people went on streets to show their frustrations.

December – a very magical time of year. Great to see how the kids are looking forward to the holiday season. Had over 30 people come to our house on Christmas Day. We spent time with friends while my parents went on a 30 day cruise trip to Singapore. It was a lovely way to end the year, packing each day with some activities but not expecting too much on what we want from the holiday, We truly enjoyed a break.

Not sure how 2023 will unfold itself, what I know is I am getting better at focusing on the things I have, doing well on things I can change, and making decisions based on the information in my hands. It’s very simple, one step at a time. Not looking back, or ahead, but to enjoy the sound of the footsteps and the views along the way.

Solid, is the new good.

This is the last week for me at the company I have worked for the past 4 years.

I felt very happy when I made the decision to resign. This happiness remains after 3 weeks I turned in the resignation letter.

I returned to work 7 months into my maternity leave. Looking back, was it too soon to return to work? Maybe. But there are many factors made me leave this job.

Since April last year, right before I was about to go on MAT leave, there were quite a lot of internal changes. During MAT leave, most of the colleagues I worked closely with have left the company. When I returned to work, it really felt like starting a new job at an old company. It was a very strange situation to be in. There are lots of new things happening which I suppose to be excited about, instead I felt overwhelmed and under valued most of time being back at work.

There were times before going into a meeting I felt dreaded to join the discussion, as I know at the end of these meetings I often left with increasing amount of work without any clear plan on how to achieve results. The goal post is constantly shifting. There is lack of communication from top management, we have team members announcing departures almost on a weekly basis and yet we do not hear anyone acknowledge the high turnover and care about the reason behind it. I felt I was just part of a machine, I am easily replaced and the values I held about the work are no longer relevant to the company.

I thought about if this is something to do with me not managing the stress of having two kids and working full time, there are areas I could develop and manage better. When I talk to colleagues who have left the company, I was also reminded there has to be something not right for the company to lose an entire team of staff members in less than 12 months.

Covid made us realise how much can change in a short span of time. A simple thing as booking a plane ticket and take off to somewhere new has become impossible in the recent years. Most people have low tolerance of disruptions and changes, even though we have been told again and again that changes are inevitable, it is part of life and we must adapt. I do believe the world is changing constantly in crazy ways, but there are some values should remain the same. My health, my family’s wellbeing come top priority in my list of things that truly matter to me. What I do need to align with what I believe in.

It is not easy and can be quite scary to give up a full time job without landing another one. However, deep down I know that I am valuable and I have a unique set of skills which I can contribute them to something more meaningful. I will work with people who are kind, empathetic, authentic and do what they say they are going to do. With time, I will get there, a new chapter is waiting to begin, I am excited about it.

Watch this space.

Dear Ingrid,

This evening before putting you to bed, I was breastfeeding you and watching your little hand kept waving at me and your feet kept kicking gently, I suddenly realised I didnt write much about you. You are the 2nd born, everything comes so naturally with you.

Your birth was smooth, I only spent one night at the hospital.

Your Dad started a new job before your birth, so the first week you and I shared the bedroom together. So your dad can sleep downstairs to be ready for his new job. Those first few nights were very special, you and I worked together to find a way to bond deeply and make sure you were well fed many times a night.

We went into more lockdowns, which meant the four of us spent lots of time together at home. One afternoon, your sister climbed into the car and locked the door, I thought she walked onto the main road and got lost. It was a very scary moment, when we found her in the car we were so happy and relived, I never felt that lucky to have both my kids safe at home that night.

In the first 3 months, you never cried much, even when you got sick, you were calm and content. The midwife was surprised how chubby and easygoing you were, we were so pleased with your development.

I decided to go back to work when you were just over 7 months old, we started you at daycare from 9 months. You were a trooper, adapted into the new environment so well, all the kids at your class and the teachers love you and spent lots of quality time with you.

I have my doubts and felt guilty of sending you to daycare when you were so young, but looking at how happy you are and the things you learnt, I am so proud of you.

Its not fair to compare you to your sister, you are two individuals with your own uniqueness. I just feel so grateful to have you both in my life and see how you both venture into this big world and truly grow into your own version of the best self you can be.

I am very excited and blessed to spend every day with you, being your mum, I have learnt so much from you already. Watching you trying to crawl, and even if you sometime have a face plant, you never give up. Your smile smooth my heart, bright up my day every time our eyes connect and your face break into that beautiful smile.

Thank you my darling, I love you and your sister very very very much.

Your mum

I am.

Coz the world is crazy. Yesterday I went grocery shopping, and cried in the car. I cant get the image of that pregnant woman on the stretcher out of my mind. Then I read on the news, she died 30 mins after the doctor told her the baby didnt make it.

This is so wrong. The world is changing all the time. I get it. But why it just does not feel like getting any better?

When life was semi-normal, the challenge we face was that the planet is getting hot. Then a virus we still didnt figure out where or how it came about took over the world by storm. We pretty much live in a up-side-down world for the past 2 years and counting. And just when we thought lets catch a breath and find some normalcy with the post-pandemic life, a deranged man decided to start a war. Here we are, reading news about people not so different from us escaping from their own country, became refugees overnight.

Last night, I saw an image of a family of four, mum, dad, with two kids in between them. They all slept on a floor with blankets wrapped tightly, hoping to get through the night without bombs being dropped on them.

Next morning I woke up, had coffee, kissed goodby to my kids to school and daycare, turned on my laptop, started thinking about how best to sell detergent online.

I carry on as if the world is all good, people care about their clothes smell fresh and clean. I am sure those who worry about which detergent can best remove stains also think about the women and kids in war zones. How they carry the little they have in a bag, realising whatever they built before the war meant nothing, except their loved ones and the memories they keep with them.

I need to stop asking if the world will be better. I mean if human nature is selfish and unpredictable, how to define “better”? All I can do is carry out my day, have my coffee, while screaming inside with rage. The world is sick.

In the past few weeks, there are two pieces of news stopped me on my track.

Joan Didion’s passing.

Peter Hessler moved back to the States after spending 2 years teaching at a Chinese university instead of staying for 5 years as planned.

Both news relate to writers whose work I enjoyed tremendously. I came across Joan Didion’s book “The year of magical thinking” while I was at University. The title caught my eye as I thought it was about adventures, turned out Joan wrote her experiences after losing both her husband and daughter in a very short span of time. I actually didnt finish reading it the first time, part of the reason was it was a translated version, I could feel the emotions of the book but could not quite grasp the details of the events. A couple of years later I bought the English copy, after reading it I sought more books written by Joan. When the Netflix documentary came out, I also watched it. Joan’s writing to me was steadfast with cold observations of the deepest pain in life, yet there was still a sense of hope in the midst of it. Otherwise how could she came up with the title of “The year of magical thinking”? Grief make us think in ways we never did before. It peels down many layers of our inner most being and it is a transformation I have been curious about. I was grateful Joan showed me there is grace in grieving.

Peter Hessler writes mainly about China. His book “River Town” covered his time teaching in the remote town Fuling in Sichuan back in the 90s. His book on China is often categorised under Travel Writings, but it is so much more than travel stories. He looks at China through the most unique set of lenses. I have yet to come across another writer who captures contemporary Chinese life as well as him, this is including Chinese writers. His observation often made me stop and suddenly understand how and why things work the way they do in China. He helped me understand better about being a Chinese. I do not know what skills he has in order to achieve this, as it is not easy to capture things as they truly are without fear or doubts. I was listening to Sinica podcast and only just found out in the middle of last year, his teaching job was cut short by the University, he and his family moved back to United States. I wish him and his family well, I know no matter where they are, he will capture the most interesting aspects of life and the people he encounter.

Hope this year I get to read more good books. Books ground me and open my eyes during a time we cant travel as much as we use to. Thanks to the writers who put their heart and soul into the stories they tell.