Dear Ingrid,

This evening before putting you to bed, I was breastfeeding you and watching your little hand kept waving at me and your feet kept kicking gently, I suddenly realised I didnt write much about you. You are the 2nd born, everything comes so naturally with you.

Your birth was smooth, I only spent one night at the hospital.

Your Dad started a new job before your birth, so the first week you and I shared the bedroom together. So your dad can sleep downstairs to be ready for his new job. Those first few nights were very special, you and I worked together to find a way to bond deeply and make sure you were well fed many times a night.

We went into more lockdowns, which meant the four of us spent lots of time together at home. One afternoon, your sister climbed into the car and locked the door, I thought she walked onto the main road and got lost. It was a very scary moment, when we found her in the car we were so happy and relived, I never felt that lucky to have both my kids safe at home that night.

In the first 3 months, you never cried much, even when you got sick, you were calm and content. The midwife was surprised how chubby and easygoing you were, we were so pleased with your development.

I decided to go back to work when you were just over 7 months old, we started you at daycare from 9 months. You were a trooper, adapted into the new environment so well, all the kids at your class and the teachers love you and spent lots of quality time with you.

I have my doubts and felt guilty of sending you to daycare when you were so young, but looking at how happy you are and the things you learnt, I am so proud of you.

Its not fair to compare you to your sister, you are two individuals with your own uniqueness. I just feel so grateful to have you both in my life and see how you both venture into this big world and truly grow into your own version of the best self you can be.

I am very excited and blessed to spend every day with you, being your mum, I have learnt so much from you already. Watching you trying to crawl, and even if you sometime have a face plant, you never give up. Your smile smooth my heart, bright up my day every time our eyes connect and your face break into that beautiful smile.

Thank you my darling, I love you and your sister very very very much.

Your mum

I am.

Coz the world is crazy. Yesterday I went grocery shopping, and cried in the car. I cant get the image of that pregnant woman on the stretcher out of my mind. Then I read on the news, she died 30 mins after the doctor told her the baby didnt make it.

This is so wrong. The world is changing all the time. I get it. But why it just does not feel like getting any better?

When life was semi-normal, the challenge we face was that the planet is getting hot. Then a virus we still didnt figure out where or how it came about took over the world by storm. We pretty much live in a up-side-down world for the past 2 years and counting. And just when we thought lets catch a breath and find some normalcy with the post-pandemic life, a deranged man decided to start a war. Here we are, reading news about people not so different from us escaping from their own country, became refugees overnight.

Last night, I saw an image of a family of four, mum, dad, with two kids in between them. They all slept on a floor with blankets wrapped tightly, hoping to get through the night without bombs being dropped on them.

Next morning I woke up, had coffee, kissed goodby to my kids to school and daycare, turned on my laptop, started thinking about how best to sell detergent online.

I carry on as if the world is all good, people care about their clothes smell fresh and clean. I am sure those who worry about which detergent can best remove stains also think about the women and kids in war zones. How they carry the little they have in a bag, realising whatever they built before the war meant nothing, except their loved ones and the memories they keep with them.

I need to stop asking if the world will be better. I mean if human nature is selfish and unpredictable, how to define “better”? All I can do is carry out my day, have my coffee, while screaming inside with rage. The world is sick.

In the past few weeks, there are two pieces of news stopped me on my track.

Joan Didion’s passing.

Peter Hessler moved back to the States after spending 2 years teaching at a Chinese university instead of staying for 5 years as planned.

Both news relate to writers whose work I enjoyed tremendously. I came across Joan Didion’s book “The year of magical thinking” while I was at University. The title caught my eye as I thought it was about adventures, turned out Joan wrote her experiences after losing both her husband and daughter in a very short span of time. I actually didnt finish reading it the first time, part of the reason was it was a translated version, I could feel the emotions of the book but could not quite grasp the details of the events. A couple of years later I bought the English copy, after reading it I sought more books written by Joan. When the Netflix documentary came out, I also watched it. Joan’s writing to me was steadfast with cold observations of the deepest pain in life, yet there was still a sense of hope in the midst of it. Otherwise how could she came up with the title of “The year of magical thinking”? Grief make us think in ways we never did before. It peels down many layers of our inner most being and it is a transformation I have been curious about. I was grateful Joan showed me there is grace in grieving.

Peter Hessler writes mainly about China. His book “River Town” covered his time teaching in the remote town Fuling in Sichuan back in the 90s. His book on China is often categorised under Travel Writings, but it is so much more than travel stories. He looks at China through the most unique set of lenses. I have yet to come across another writer who captures contemporary Chinese life as well as him, this is including Chinese writers. His observation often made me stop and suddenly understand how and why things work the way they do in China. He helped me understand better about being a Chinese. I do not know what skills he has in order to achieve this, as it is not easy to capture things as they truly are without fear or doubts. I was listening to Sinica podcast and only just found out in the middle of last year, his teaching job was cut short by the University, he and his family moved back to United States. I wish him and his family well, I know no matter where they are, he will capture the most interesting aspects of life and the people he encounter.

Hope this year I get to read more good books. Books ground me and open my eyes during a time we cant travel as much as we use to. Thanks to the writers who put their heart and soul into the stories they tell.

It becomes a tradition I recap the year towards the end of it. Let’s go!

January – Felt better with the pregnancy, travelled around South Island for 2 weeks with my family. Covid was raging around the world, NZ kept the border shut, so we were the lucky ones get to travel around the country.

February – Celebrated mum’s birthday on top of skytower. Valentine’s day hosted over 20 people for Isabella’s 4th birthday, towards the end of the party, everyone got a pin on their phone. Auckland went into lockdown.

March – I cant remember how we celebrated Magnus’ birthday, also what happened in this month. It was a blur. I think we went camping up north for a few days.

April – My boss whom I admired a lot was made redundant, there was a lot going on in my team. I went into hospital due to some bleeding. From this month on, I worked from home more and more.

May – Celebrated my birthday with family. Organised a hotpot dinner with my girlfriends, it went on for 4 hours until the restaurant was closed for the night.

June – On the 17th, Ingrid arrived. Our family expanded to 4 people.

July – Spent time at home with a newborn, my mum came over with food everyday, Magus started a new job and worked from the office. We lost my aunty, my mum’s 2nd sister.

August – Auckland went into another lockdown due to Delta. I thought it would last for a week or two just like back in February. We got our first dose of the vaccination the day before lockdown.

September – Home everyday with Isabella and Ingrid, we made cardboard boat. It was pretty impressive.

October – Lockdown continued, it was hard as we felt trapped at home and no end to it.

November – The restrictions finally eased after 100 days, mentally it was draining. I started thinking about going back to work. I published an article on Stuff, recorded podcast with BBC.

December – Back to work after 6 months maternity leave. Almost my entire team has left and replaced with new colleagues. It felt like starting a new job at the same company. I published a short piece on my family life with the help of Asia Media Center.

2021 was a bit shitty, but we managed pretty well. Raising two incredible girls, I wrote things and even got posted on proper media websites. Marriage is going strong, parents are healthy.

2022, I want a pay rise with flexible working hours (who doesn’t?). I want to visit families overseas or having visitors from overseas staying with us. I want my family to be healthy and content. I want all children around the world feeling secure and loved. I want global warming to cool down. I want everyone to hold their beliefs lightly, but have strong values , listen well and speak with honesty and integrity.

Hello 2022, please be less shitty and dazzle me with some good news! Thank you.

Getting into three months of lockdown, who is counting the numbers and days? When this lockdown was announced, I told my friends we would be out of this in a few days. I guess it is possible that I make mistakes too.

This time last year, when the rest of the world was struggling to keep up with the spreading of the virus, we were the rare and lucky ones, My daughter’s day care held the Christmas concert and hosted all the families for the annual BBQ. When my family attended, we almost felt a bit guilty thinking about the restrictions our overseas family and friends were experiencing. Now I am looking at photos of my brother travelling in Southern Spain with envy, hoping that soon we will also be at the airport waiting to get on a flight to reunite with family and friends in far far away lands.

I cant be sure why sometime during the day, I experience this sinking feeling. It feels like I am sinking in quick sand and there is no bottom to it. I am curious why I would feel this way, also once this feeling started it leads to a bit of anxiety as well. I feel anxious of not having enough energy to focus on all the tasks at hands, feeding baby, keeping a toddler entertained, make our home nice and tidy, thinking of meals to eat (luckily I am not in charge of cooking, just to contribute ideas), then thoughts snowball into future work, renovation, money, health, family and even the current political climate. I would catch myself when I start solving world problems, surprisingly breastfeeding a 5 months old baby is great for grounding myself. I look at the sweet and content face of my baby, it helps me to steady my breathing, then calm my mind. Slowly, I am pulled back to the present moments, looking at my family, thinking how lucky I have them close to me, I can hug them tightly whenever I want to.

See, its a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions throughout the day, from boredom to blissfulness, from feeling restless to staying still, from wanting to do everything to choose to do nothing, from making a million plans to abandon them all and only think about what’s for dinner.

I told Magnus I learnt a bit more about myself, I desire to have chunks of time to immerse myself into completing a task. I dont enjoy managing multiple things and with many interruptions in between. However, domestic life is filled with pauses here and there. Children do not stick to appointments, giving me chunks of days to do my thing then when I finish, they fit in the rest of the day. Children are great Zen masters, they seize the moment better than me. They know “now” is more important than “later”, if you feel like doing something, just do it. Do not wait. Try less planning. More doing.

Right now, there is so much to adapt, notice the urge, get curious, and work it out.