晚上打坐，脑子里一直闪现姥姥家的场景。客厅， 主卧，厨房，小姨曾经住的卧室，小舅的卧室。感觉很清晰，连地上铺的地板胶的图案都记得起来。姥姥家的客厅总是昏暗的，但承载的记忆确总是暖暖的。

每次到了姥姥家， 先要按单元门口的门铃， 一道大铁门才开，然后进了楼道一楼左手就是姥姥家。家门又是一扇铁门，往往我们进了楼道， 姥姥就已经出来迎接了。 或者二姨妈也会提高嗓门喊道：“来了，来了！”紧随着开门声。冬天如果外面下了大雪， 一进楼道里，我就边走边跺脚，把鞋子上的雪跺掉。姥姥家的暖气很充足，每次进屋了，换下来的鞋子鞋底总是融化出雪水。为了不把门口的地板弄脏，入门的地板上总是铺着旧报纸或者毛巾。

我的童年大部分是在姥姥家度过的，每天中午放学回姥姥家吃饭， 喜欢用姥姥外公卧室的电话给同学打电话聊天。上小学的我们就很会用电话聊天了。那时候我还很爱翻看我们市区的厚厚的一本电话薄，不是每个人的私人电话都会记录在上面的，外公因为是老干部， 家里的电话和他的名字就会印在这本厚厚的电话薄里。我时不时会找到外公的名字，满足我那时小小的虚荣心。外公去世后，来年的电话薄里还有他的名字，但他的名字印在一个黑框里，意味着他过世了。姥姥家的电话一直是我心里记得的第一个电话号码，姥姥在2014年离开后，我有好几年没打了。

逢年过节，尤其是春节，一定会回到姥姥家。我爷爷奶奶那边是穆斯林，不庆祝春节，所以关于春节的庆祝都是在姥姥家进行的。 但我父母每年会在春节期间为了去哪边父母家过节而争执。现在我也结婚了， 突然意识到他们可能是趁着这个时候， 把积攒一年的矛盾在这个节点都宣泄出来。结果就是， 我到现在对逢年过节都不会全身心的去感受节日气氛， 因为童年里积累了很多父母吵架的片段， 都是和这些重大节日拼凑在一起的。这些事儿的确或多或少影响了我的心态， 比如有值得庆贺的事情，心里总是留一手， 觉得太快乐的事儿都是不可靠的。但这也不是坏事， 因为生活的本质就没有完整的好，和完整的坏， 很多事情是混在一起， 很多感受是有层次的。从小就接受生活里的不完满，也是一种早教。 写到这里，反思我现在也是两个孩子的妈了， 但我还是会尽力给她们创造尽情高兴的场景， 让她们有自信， 相信自己配得上生活里最好， 最开心的事儿。

提件不着边儿的事儿，姥姥家对面的邻居是一家哈萨克族人家。我记事的时候，他家的老爷爷有很久一段时间都没见到，有一天姥姥提起来他，说他失踪很久了，据猜测是进山里遇到山里的狗熊，人就没出来。现在想想也不知道是童年里的传说， 还是真的发生过这件事， 也无从考证了。

絮絮叨叨写下这些，就是因为刚才脑子里的场景太真实了， 觉得自己好像回去姥姥家几分钟，家里的声音和气味都能感受到。 这也是为什么我常打坐，让心沉淀下来，让思绪又是引领我到不同的地方。这次居家隔离估计多多少少又要一个月。可能太久没回去家乡，有点想家了吧。

今天家里的水压不稳定，用完洗手间冲水后有轰隆隆的声响，觉得房子的墙都要被排水管道理压力撑破了。之后还有深棕色的水从龙头里流了出来。等我给自来水公司打完电话，手机上收到妈妈发来的信息，二姨妈走了。

二姨妈应该是在我刚上小学的时候搬回姥姥家住的。那时候外公刚过世不久，我记得到春天的时候， 姥姥就会说二姨妈这个季节容易犯病。在我很小的时候，晚上住在姥姥外公家。二姨妈半夜在姥姥床边，让姥姥出去。我和姥姥睡一起，在睡梦里醒来，迷迷糊糊的看着她和姥姥说话，姥姥让她回去继续睡觉。过了一段时间，二姨妈就住院了。我的记忆中，二姨妈经常出入在医院。有小半年住在医院，出院了就回姥姥家，直到下一次又入院。

我出国以后，二姨妈病情稳定很多，就常年一直和姥姥住在一起。每次我回国，去看望姥姥，二姨妈都很开心的和我说笑，她爱唱歌，留着一条长辫子，每天早上自己梳头发，编成一条麻花辫甩在身后。我写到这里，脑海里就浮现出二姨妈甩辫子的样子。二姨妈皮肤特别好，总是白嫩的脸庞，挂着微笑问我生活好不好。 姥姥和二姨妈作伴，两个人每天一起做饭吃，二姨妈负责买菜。每次我回去，姥姥给我做好吃的，二姨妈都负责用电饭煲蒸米饭，然后给每个人盛上一碗热腾腾的白米饭。

现在我长大成人，就理解二姨妈在我小时候做的一些事情是因为有幻听。她长期用药，如果药量不合适，或者有什么事情刺激了她，就会犯病。2014年11月份，姥姥走了，二姨妈在之后的几个月又再次入院。我现在有点想不起来最后一次见到二姨妈是什么时候，应该还是在姥姥家，有国光阿姨照顾着她。我回到新西兰后，听说二姨妈由医院转去了疗养院，去年又回到了姥姥家，但这次出院后一直卧床不起。

今天早上二姨妈在睡梦里走了，国光阿姨出门买菜回来，发现二姨妈离开了我们。这次，她会和姥姥外公在另一个世界相聚，他们再也不分开了。现在我为人父母，很佩服姥姥外公一直爱护照看这个二女儿。二姨妈也很好的支持照顾着姥姥，她们母女在一起陪伴了很多年。 二姨妈的病其实并不被社会大众所接受，但在姥姥家，我从来没有觉得这是一件值得忌讳的事情。因为家里的爱和相互帮助，二姨妈对我就是一位很亲切的姨妈。也许由于我常年离家，并没有接触到她患病时生活中困难的那一面，所以我的印象里二姨妈就是我的家人。并不因为她精神身体的原因，有任何阴暗消极的回忆。这也是为什么我觉得二姨妈的人生给我上了很好的一堂课，这堂课是关于爱的力量。家人的爱可以阻挡外界的伤害和不友好，有了父母， 手足的爱和保护， 就可以过着平稳的人生。

如果有一天，我的孩子就算成人了也需要我的支持， 我也会像姥姥一样，没有怨言，坚强乐观的陪伴我亲爱的孩子。姥姥外公作为父母，一定也曾因为二姨妈的病觉得困难，委屈，苦恼和担忧，但每当我想起有姥姥和二姨妈一起生活的黄河路的家，一直都是一个温暖， 充满欢笑的家。 那个家永远是给我生命中最初对爱的教育所启蒙的地方，我在那里得到的养分，让我不管到哪里都懂得爱，认识爱，学会接受并给予爱。

我很幸运，有这样一位与众不同的二姨妈。 二姨妈，再见！请代我给姥姥外公一个大大的拥抱。

Ingrid Ma Lehne arrived at 4:30pm on 17th June. This pregnancy is a journey quite different from the 1st one.

The first three months I experienced morning sickness, its misleading to call it “morning” sickness, as it lasted all day long. I had a stronger sense of smell and found most scents made me nauseous. I felt tired all the time, in the morning when I opened my eyes I was tired already. Luckily things settled a bit after 3 months, and we made a trip to South Island which I enjoyed as the morning sickness was almost gone.

The 2nd trimester was all about monitoring the pregnancy, as Bella was born at 34 weeks. I was told that there was an increased chance of my 2nd baby arrive even earlier than the first born. So there were bi-weekly check ups at the Women’s Clinic at Auckland Hospital to track my pregnancy ensure there was no sign of baby arriving before 26 weeks. I graduated from the clinic by 24 weeks and there was no sign of baby would arrive early.

Moving into the 3rd trimester, on April Fool’s day I noticed bleeding. I spent a night at the hospital and the bleeding stopped so I was sent home. It was false alarm and things went normal after that. It definitely made me take things easy, I worked from home most of time. My main goal was to carry this baby to full term. We passed 34 weeks which means this little one stayed in my belly longer than her sister did. My hands and feet were swollen, I thought it was mainly due to water retention.

From 34 – 38 weeks, every time I visited my midwife I was sent to hospital for different reasons. Normally I spent a day at the hospital being monitored, then get discharged. So when the same thing happened at 38 weeks, I was at hospital again for high blood pressure, both M and I thought we would go home once doctor has done some tests. We stayed in the hospital from 4pm till 11pm, I told M to go home as most likely I would spend the night there. After midnight, a doctor came to my room told me that the tests showed I have preeclampsia, there were signs that my liver was not function normally. I asked if that means I would spend a few more weeks at hospital. The doctor said “no, we will induce baby now.” So it turned out the baby will come out in the next day or two.

Things moved actually quite slow after that, the first step was using gel to soften the cervix and this process took 24 hours. After two nights at the hospital, I finally moved to the birthing unit. Only when I was IV dripped with the synthetic hormone oxytocin things really started kicking in. The contraction pain in the first few hours was manageable, we played music and chat with the hospital midwives. When my cervix opened to 5cm, I was offered pain relief. By that point I was certain without epidural I would not cope with the delivery. I always thought I had a high level of pain tolerance, but not at that moment. The epidural didn’t bring much relief to me, I was waiting for the “epidural smile” which the aesthetician told me I would get after 30 mins. It never arrived, the pain just kept getting stronger. During labour I told my midwife I am done and they can do whatever just to get this baby out. One of the midwives told me ” you are going to push this baby out today and there is no other option.” So I pushed one more time and baby emerged. It was such a relief, the best feeling ever.

We got home after one night at the hospital. I lost quite a bit of blood, so received some iron top up. Reading the hospital discharge note, the birth was pretty good. So happy to be home and lying on my belly to type these down while baby is sound asleep next to my bed.

Today is Norwegian National Day. We have celebrated twice, once in Norway and once in Spain. Tomorrow will be my birthday. May has always been my favourite month, not only because my birthday falls into this month, also when I lived in the Norther Hemisphere, its Spring time.

Over the weekend, I got a few girlfriends together and we had hotpot. It was really good to catch up with friends old and new. We all left our partners and little ones back home, so we can talk without interruptions, which made the dinner last for almost 4 hours. The older I get, the more I appreciate female friendship. When I was much younger, I was a tomboy, who played lots of sports most of time with boys. I did have many close girlfriends back then, but sometime I found female friendship too complicated to navigate. Lots of sensitivity around it, and things other girls care a lot I just can’t find the same level of interests to keep up with it. However, after becoming a mother, there are never ending conversations around birth, kids, work and home with my girlfriends. The path of motherhood can be generalised under one identity, but the challenges we face are totally unique and full of tearful or hilarious moments.

I also caught up with my boss who left the company a few weeks ago. When I was working with her, I actually didn’t have much chance to talk to her, as she was always busy with tons of meetings and projects. Now I no longer worked with her, I felt more comfortable to ask her out for coffee and just talk about everything. She is an incredible person, with lots of energy and clarity on things she want to get done. I admire doers who have clear visions. People like her inspire others to action, maybe thats what makes her a good leader.

I told Magnus another day, it seems I have been incredibly lucky to have worked with many great female bosses. The first boss I worked with, Carol, who gave me the chance to stay in NZ after my graduation from University. She truly cared about my development, if not because of her support I may not even get to settle into this country and build the life I have now. Then at my next job I made life long friendship with my managers, Adele and Jennifer. They both have been my mentors for the past 10 years. We would visit Jennifer in Wellington and stay at her home by the sea for holidays.She never missed Bella and my birthdays over the years, there was always a gift in the post for these occasions.

There are lots of discussions around female empowerment these days. Since now I am carrying another baby, I do appreciate the importance of female voices being heard at the work place. Without women before us who worked incredibly hard to gain equal opportunities at work, I can’t possibly feel as secure and content as I am now. These managers and many other amazing female colleagues showed me how they cope with challenges from all areas of life. The shared experiences of being a woman playing multiple roles in society make me feel proud of my gender.

It seems I focused lots on the positive sides of tings, I have also experienced workplace bully from female colleagues in the past. But I want to be careful not category all my experiences under things such as race, gender or age. We would cross path with so many people in our lifetime, I am trying to show my gratitude to the kindness and wisdom I received from other women, these experiences shaped my environment and my identity.

So since I will be a mother to two daughters soon, I can’t wait to show them the amazing things being a woman can achieve and encounter in life.

I recall clearly its around the same time when I was carrying Isabella inside of me the bleeding started, about 27 weeks into my pregnancy. Yesterday it happened with this 2nd round , so I went to hospital with Isabella and Magnus.

My midwife first did some checks on baby’s heartbeat, then I was told to wait and see the doctor for another examination. So we wait. Bella was trying to be so good, but after 5 hours staying in hospital room she started to get really cranky and tired. We went to reception asking how much longer till we see a doctor, and a nurse told me its most likely I will stay over for the night. Bella was full of tears when Magnus carried her away and they went home for the night.

I was happy to stay by myself, its better to be in the hospital in case things progress fast rather than being sent home and wondering what would happen. There was a young Indian couple shared the room with me, the wife is in 40 weeks of her pregnancy and they could not wait any longer to meet the baby. They discussed all sorts of options to speed up the labour, intercourse, massage breasts , put either primrose oil or castor oil down there. The doctor patiently listened to all the options they found via different channels, and said the hospital only carry out medical inductions should they need it. When the doctor left the room, the husband told the wife maybe she should stop asking doctor if putting caster oil inside would help. I listened to all these conversations and wished I would be in their position. As I wanted to feel what its like to be in 40 weeks rather than have preterm baby again. I wanted to tell them let nature take its course, the baby will come, just wait.

Then after doctor finally examined me at the 8th hour since I arrived, she said nothing major causing her to be concerned about my condition, so I moved to another ward to spend the night. It is difficult to sleep in the hospital room, there are lots of beeping sounds and lights crack through doorways and windows. After midnight another lady came into my room, she snored quite a bit. I told myself its like travelling, sleeping in shared accommodation or on the flight, pretending I am in a foreign place experience something new. So with this mindset I finally drifted into sleep.

In the morning, there are more tests to be done, but I was confident I would be discharged as the condition didn’t get worse. I told myself, take it one day a time, one week a time and it would be a victory if this one arrives later than Bella. The mantra I kept repeating to myself was” my body is strong and healthy, my baby is strong and healthy, she is perfectly safe within me. My mind is calm, powerful and positive”. When things are out of my control, at least I can do some positive reaffirmation to cheer myself up a bit.

While I was being pushed on the wheelchair to get the scan, the young guy who works as an orderly at the hospital told me there were only 7 orderlies working in the entire hospital, that’s 3 buildings combined. He walks on average about 25000 steps a day. I asked if he will get the Covid vaccination soon, he said next week would be his turn and he really looked forward to it.

The nurses who checked on me also just got her first shot of the vaccination about half an hour ago, she felt quite well. The atmosphere at the maternity ward is calm and slow. I suppose its slow from my perspective, the doctors and nurses must be quite busy. But there is no fear of Covid lingering in the air, not many people wearing masks and most hospital staff will get vaccinated by the end of April.

Its always interesting to spend time in hospital, I meet people from all walks of life. Auckland is so diverse, the people I came across over my 24 hrs stay include South American, Chinese, Indian, Middle Eastern, Maori and European Kiwi.

Hope things will improve. I really do.