Ingrid Ma Lehne arrived at 4:30pm on 17th June. This pregnancy is a journey quite different from the 1st one.

The first three months I experienced morning sickness, its misleading to call it “morning” sickness, as it lasted all day long. I had a stronger sense of smell and found most scents made me nauseous. I felt tired all the time, in the morning when I opened my eyes I was tired already. Luckily things settled a bit after 3 months, and we made a trip to South Island which I enjoyed as the morning sickness was almost gone.

The 2nd trimester was all about monitoring the pregnancy, as Bella was born at 34 weeks. I was told that there was an increased chance of my 2nd baby arrive even earlier than the first born. So there were bi-weekly check ups at the Women’s Clinic at Auckland Hospital to track my pregnancy ensure there was no sign of baby arriving before 26 weeks. I graduated from the clinic by 24 weeks and there was no sign of baby would arrive early.

Moving into the 3rd trimester, on April Fool’s day I noticed bleeding. I spent a night at the hospital and the bleeding stopped so I was sent home. It was false alarm and things went normal after that. It definitely made me take things easy, I worked from home most of time. My main goal was to carry this baby to full term. We passed 34 weeks which means this little one stayed in my belly longer than her sister did. My hands and feet were swollen, I thought it was mainly due to water retention.

From 34 – 38 weeks, every time I visited my midwife I was sent to hospital for different reasons. Normally I spent a day at the hospital being monitored, then get discharged. So when the same thing happened at 38 weeks, I was at hospital again for high blood pressure, both M and I thought we would go home once doctor has done some tests. We stayed in the hospital from 4pm till 11pm, I told M to go home as most likely I would spend the night there. After midnight, a doctor came to my room told me that the tests showed I have preeclampsia, there were signs that my liver was not function normally. I asked if that means I would spend a few more weeks at hospital. The doctor said “no, we will induce baby now.” So it turned out the baby will come out in the next day or two.

Things moved actually quite slow after that, the first step was using gel to soften the cervix and this process took 24 hours. After two nights at the hospital, I finally moved to the birthing unit. Only when I was IV dripped with the synthetic hormone oxytocin things really started kicking in. The contraction pain in the first few hours was manageable, we played music and chat with the hospital midwives. When my cervix opened to 5cm, I was offered pain relief. By that point I was certain without epidural I would not cope with the delivery. I always thought I had a high level of pain tolerance, but not at that moment. The epidural didn’t bring much relief to me, I was waiting for the “epidural smile” which the aesthetician told me I would get after 30 mins. It never arrived, the pain just kept getting stronger. During labour I told my midwife I am done and they can do whatever just to get this baby out. One of the midwives told me ” you are going to push this baby out today and there is no other option.” So I pushed one more time and baby emerged. It was such a relief, the best feeling ever.

We got home after one night at the hospital. I lost quite a bit of blood, so received some iron top up. Reading the hospital discharge note, the birth was pretty good. So happy to be home and lying on my belly to type these down while baby is sound asleep next to my bed.

Today is Norwegian National Day. We have celebrated twice, once in Norway and once in Spain. Tomorrow will be my birthday. May has always been my favourite month, not only because my birthday falls into this month, also when I lived in the Norther Hemisphere, its Spring time.

Over the weekend, I got a few girlfriends together and we had hotpot. It was really good to catch up with friends old and new. We all left our partners and little ones back home, so we can talk without interruptions, which made the dinner last for almost 4 hours. The older I get, the more I appreciate female friendship. When I was much younger, I was a tomboy, who played lots of sports most of time with boys. I did have many close girlfriends back then, but sometime I found female friendship too complicated to navigate. Lots of sensitivity around it, and things other girls care a lot I just can’t find the same level of interests to keep up with it. However, after becoming a mother, there are never ending conversations around birth, kids, work and home with my girlfriends. The path of motherhood can be generalised under one identity, but the challenges we face are totally unique and full of tearful or hilarious moments.

I also caught up with my boss who left the company a few weeks ago. When I was working with her, I actually didn’t have much chance to talk to her, as she was always busy with tons of meetings and projects. Now I no longer worked with her, I felt more comfortable to ask her out for coffee and just talk about everything. She is an incredible person, with lots of energy and clarity on things she want to get done. I admire doers who have clear visions. People like her inspire others to action, maybe thats what makes her a good leader.

I told Magnus another day, it seems I have been incredibly lucky to have worked with many great female bosses. The first boss I worked with, Carol, who gave me the chance to stay in NZ after my graduation from University. She truly cared about my development, if not because of her support I may not even get to settle into this country and build the life I have now. Then at my next job I made life long friendship with my managers, Adele and Jennifer. They both have been my mentors for the past 10 years. We would visit Jennifer in Wellington and stay at her home by the sea for holidays.She never missed Bella and my birthdays over the years, there was always a gift in the post for these occasions.

There are lots of discussions around female empowerment these days. Since now I am carrying another baby, I do appreciate the importance of female voices being heard at the work place. Without women before us who worked incredibly hard to gain equal opportunities at work, I can’t possibly feel as secure and content as I am now. These managers and many other amazing female colleagues showed me how they cope with challenges from all areas of life. The shared experiences of being a woman playing multiple roles in society make me feel proud of my gender.

It seems I focused lots on the positive sides of tings, I have also experienced workplace bully from female colleagues in the past. But I want to be careful not category all my experiences under things such as race, gender or age. We would cross path with so many people in our lifetime, I am trying to show my gratitude to the kindness and wisdom I received from other women, these experiences shaped my environment and my identity.

So since I will be a mother to two daughters soon, I can’t wait to show them the amazing things being a woman can achieve and encounter in life.

I recall clearly its around the same time when I was carrying Isabella inside of me the bleeding started, about 27 weeks into my pregnancy. Yesterday it happened with this 2nd round , so I went to hospital with Isabella and Magnus.

My midwife first did some checks on baby’s heartbeat, then I was told to wait and see the doctor for another examination. So we wait. Bella was trying to be so good, but after 5 hours staying in hospital room she started to get really cranky and tired. We went to reception asking how much longer till we see a doctor, and a nurse told me its most likely I will stay over for the night. Bella was full of tears when Magnus carried her away and they went home for the night.

I was happy to stay by myself, its better to be in the hospital in case things progress fast rather than being sent home and wondering what would happen. There was a young Indian couple shared the room with me, the wife is in 40 weeks of her pregnancy and they could not wait any longer to meet the baby. They discussed all sorts of options to speed up the labour, intercourse, massage breasts , put either primrose oil or castor oil down there. The doctor patiently listened to all the options they found via different channels, and said the hospital only carry out medical inductions should they need it. When the doctor left the room, the husband told the wife maybe she should stop asking doctor if putting caster oil inside would help. I listened to all these conversations and wished I would be in their position. As I wanted to feel what its like to be in 40 weeks rather than have preterm baby again. I wanted to tell them let nature take its course, the baby will come, just wait.

Then after doctor finally examined me at the 8th hour since I arrived, she said nothing major causing her to be concerned about my condition, so I moved to another ward to spend the night. It is difficult to sleep in the hospital room, there are lots of beeping sounds and lights crack through doorways and windows. After midnight another lady came into my room, she snored quite a bit. I told myself its like travelling, sleeping in shared accommodation or on the flight, pretending I am in a foreign place experience something new. So with this mindset I finally drifted into sleep.

In the morning, there are more tests to be done, but I was confident I would be discharged as the condition didn’t get worse. I told myself, take it one day a time, one week a time and it would be a victory if this one arrives later than Bella. The mantra I kept repeating to myself was” my body is strong and healthy, my baby is strong and healthy, she is perfectly safe within me. My mind is calm, powerful and positive”. When things are out of my control, at least I can do some positive reaffirmation to cheer myself up a bit.

While I was being pushed on the wheelchair to get the scan, the young guy who works as an orderly at the hospital told me there were only 7 orderlies working in the entire hospital, that’s 3 buildings combined. He walks on average about 25000 steps a day. I asked if he will get the Covid vaccination soon, he said next week would be his turn and he really looked forward to it.

The nurses who checked on me also just got her first shot of the vaccination about half an hour ago, she felt quite well. The atmosphere at the maternity ward is calm and slow. I suppose its slow from my perspective, the doctors and nurses must be quite busy. But there is no fear of Covid lingering in the air, not many people wearing masks and most hospital staff will get vaccinated by the end of April.

Its always interesting to spend time in hospital, I meet people from all walks of life. Auckland is so diverse, the people I came across over my 24 hrs stay include South American, Chinese, Indian, Middle Eastern, Maori and European Kiwi.

Hope things will improve. I really do.

When I first started working on festivals, it was long hours starting from early morning working right into late night. I really enjoyed the work, especially the people I worked with. There was a site manager Dave, who managed all things relate to the installations and safety of the event. Whenever I ran into Dave, he always asked me “Are you winning?”. My English wasn’t as good as it is now, I had trouble to understand what he meant. Most people greet each other with “how are you?”. He explained to me it is similar as asking are you having a good day? Good enough for you to take it as a win? Even till today, I still sometime secretly ask myself the same questions ” are you winning?”

Today marks the one year anniversary of NZ went into the first lockdown due to Covid in 2020. This morning I watched a Youtube video of this guy who played piano duet with his neighbour. His neighbour was a 78 year old man named Emil. Emil lost his wife in Dec due to Covid, he lived in the apartment temporarily while his house was being sold. He played piano everyday at 2pm like how he did when his wife was alive. Thats how this young guy heard him playing and started their friendship with a wall in between them. They would play piano duets each weekend. By the time I watched this video Emil has left this world peacefully in his sleep. There were so many tragic stories last year moved me in many ways, this story for some reason made me feel both sad and heartwarming. It combined all the elements of human emotional needs, being heard, being seen, being loved and being remembered.

Coming back to the question of “are you winning?”, one thing I took from the past year of magical thinking and deep sorrow was that I learnt to celebrate the little wins in life. Since I was an event organiser, I imagined when we beat Covid, there would be celebrations across the world. Everyone pours into the street celebrating the end of it with music, dance, lights, fireworks and lots of hugs. The reality is this may never happen, as everyone will come to the end of this with different pace, some people may never get over the year of 2020.

Instead what I can do is to celebrate the little wins. It’s the first breath I took with my eyes open in the morning, with strong and healthy set of lungs. It’s having meals with my mum and dad, talk about our daily life. It’s watching my daughter doing a new yoga move she learnt from daycare, sang me her new favourite song. It’s going to sleep next to my husband at night and knowing next morning we will rise together face another day. It’s having friends to spend time with and do silly things no matter how old we get. It’s going to work open my laptop answer emails , solve problems and chat with colleagues while making a cup of tea. It’s taking the moment each day to look up at the sky above my head and stand firmly on the ground below my feet. These are my little wins in life, which can be easily taken for granted. These little wins are what truly matter, without these my life would not be the same.

So are you winning today? I hope even if you are not, you learn to celebrate the little things.

Went to Skytower tonight celebrated mum’s birthday. In the morning, went to Bella’s daycare celebrated her birthday. Mum and Bella’s birthday only one day apart. Also Chinese New Year normally falls around this time of the year too, so it has been a busy month of celebrations.

At Bella’s daycare, we prepared 3 fruit platters and some of my dad’s homemade spring onion pancakes. The kids enjoyed the savoury pancakes a lot, it was all gone in 20 mins. Its really interesting to watch how these 3 and 4 year olds interact with each other, you can see lots of reflections in the adult world but with a more direct sense of feelings and purpose.

I also joined Club House 2 days ago, I have to admit its really easy to get suck in the chatrooms and a few hours would go by easily. One thing I noticed with the Chinese chatrooms on issues banned in China, the conversation always become quite urgent and filled with tension. I felt its not just a place to discuss things, its more like a group therapy session with 40 people all want to share their thoughts and feelings at the same time. I get this sense of urgency, because normally these topics were out of your reach suddenly you get to share your views on them, its naturally become a bit chaotic. In comparison to some English chatroom discuss similar topics, it was more clam and the thoughts were expressed with more depth and backed with some research. I especially enjoy Kaiser Guo’s chatrooms, they always have some interesting speakers. Talk about Kaiser, we met at a dinner in Beijing about 6 years ago. He had a rather heated discussion with a British writer on the opium war, during that time I wasn’t aware of his podcast. Now I am a regular listener and it is impressive how he composes himself so well and let the speakers share their views without much judgement.

I think Chinese need to debate more on sensitive topics, these discussions may become really awkward and some comments seem to be ridiculous. However, it is through this process I learnt to clarify my own views and values. I felt good to know many Chinese people living overseas share some similar experiences with me, being minority in a different country help me to open my eyes and have empathy towards other minorities.

Tomorrow we have a big Chinese new year party to go to , then next day is Bella’s real birthday party with friends and family. 2020 definitely has made me feel a bit different being in a crowd, I wonder is it safe, what if? But I know NZ is relatively low risk and we can not stop living life. So keep on celebrating, keep on talking, never stop listening and never be afraid to communicate.