Lets talk about money! I am anxious, we asked for my parents to help financial with the new house. I felt guilty to touch more of their saving than we intend to. Also we will increase our weekly expenditure quite significantly once the mortgage payment begins.

Today we had a meeting with a personal finance planner, she advised us to sell the place my parents living in now and buy a property with higher rental yield. I understand the methodology behind her approach, its basically an aggressive way to turn your current asset into something value adding. also means we don’t pay tax to the current rental income.

However I don’t want to do this, as my parents are very settled in that place. I can not let them rent somewhere else and live temporarily. Their retirement is in NZ and they should enjoy the rest of the retirement here filled with days with Bella and to travel a bit more.

Also this personal finance company make more income from mortgage and insurance, its in their best interests to loop us in a bundle deal with our future investments. I am not very comfortable to be monitored and influenced by them for every step of my way towards financial freedom.

I love rules, structures and crave for stability but then sometime I rebel against stereotypes and “the money rule the world” approach. I am not sure this finance planner understand from my Chinese perspective how I need to look after my parents rather than using their retirement as my investment assets. My parents already helped me so much from supporting my overseas eduction to secure our property.

So I don’t think we will go along with this finance company. Also they know we have a big mortgage coming up and yet still suggesting the most expensive package on their service. I think they may see the fear in us approaching a life switch to paying a mortgage. But I have confidence in myself to figure this out. It will be hard and challenging, but with books to read and people to talk to, I think we will be alright.

After all I have been living overseas for almost half of my life, never once I got in trouble financially, I can manage my wealth and creating more. This could be a chance to push me to make more money in creative ways. Change is inevitable.

最近挺好，房子买了，身体也无大碍。 心里有时候还是会乱，担心下一刻会发生什么不好的事情。但在读一本关于疾病的书，给心里一些勇气。人生啊，生老病死，再正常不过。

见一个人，之前因为工作认识。很佩服中国姑娘们，全世界跑，做很多有意思的事情。有时也羡慕她们，但想想自己也有过那么自由的日子，只是当下的我，需要专注在一个地方，好好经营自己的家庭生活。

有时还是会想念在路上的日子，那种充满无限可能性的时光。现在人不动，心有时还会动。就要训练自己，能真的沉下心来，好好的过每一天。认真陪伴小雨，和小麦共同生活，对爸妈更有耐心，把自己的小日子过好，也是一种难得的能力和修炼。

人生路，说长不长，说短不短，心境时时刻刻有起起落落，重要的是能有一个定下来的点，能够反思自己，梳理思绪，整装前行。就算心思再多，想得再杂乱，其实还是会选择有逻辑的生活。就像曾经共事的人说过，我是一个逻辑性很强的人。年纪越大，越不会随心所欲，反而更会希望自己做每件事是打心底觉得值得花时间和精力的。

写得有点没有重点，杂乱无章，也许之后回头看这些字，才能理出头绪，知道自己当下的状态具体是怎样的。这一年不知不觉就要过完了，过去的近一年时光，多多少少经历了一些之前没有经历过的事情，遇到了没有解决过的难题，还好，都走过来了。没有遍体鳞伤，只是对别人的苦难和痛苦多了一丝体恤。

家人健康平安，远方亲人朋友都安好，人生就很满意了。

The title should be more like country and woman. Today is the 70th birthday of the country I was born, it made me think of my relationship with my country. A person’s relationship with her country mostly depends on how she feels about her country. Its only when you need to apply for a passport or visa, you have to face the reality that your feelings toward your country do not mean much, rules are rules, borders are borders, the world is divided in many ways. There are boundaries.

The reason I want to record this day is because 70 years is a bit special. My grandparents contributed to how this country was founded, I grew up there till I turned 18. My parents have been through some of the most dramatic changes a person can have in terms of political and economic development in a short span of 65 years. I can continue to write and write about how significant this day is, but now let me just take notes of a few moments of today made me think of my country.

Woke up at 7am, open social media apps, read that the media company I used to work for has officially shut their operation. I worked there from 2015-2016. There were lots of memories, made some great friends, also learnt a lot about myself. Its definitely not an ordinary place to work, lots of talented people creating some unique stories. It does not surprise me to hear this news considering what is happening between the two big nations at the moment. Sometime it is not about what you do, its about where you are and when the time is. 天时，地利，人和，缺一不可。However, this place is just a platform, I trust these people who made contents that touched hearts and opened minds will continue to create good stuff.

On my way to work read an article about the amazing progress this country has made in the past 70 years, how many people were lifted out of poverty. I thought about how I came to NZ to study, if not because the motherland opened up to the world, and the economy improved dramatically from the 90s, I would not be where I am and typing these words down in English.

Got to work listening to songs from Band of Summer, this reality show helped lots of independent bands became well known. Its one of the best thing happened this summer, I watched pretty much every episode online, made me feel closer to the motherland I liked about, full of talented people who strive to make something no matter how difficult the environment they are in. Sometime it is like a pressure cooker, under pressure, amazing things can be achieved.

Lunch time went on Instagram, saw this journalist’s feed on some protests happening somewhere. A young girl aged in early 20s got pinned on the ground by three police, she kept looking into the journalist’s camera and repeating her name again and again. The journalist explained in caption that the girl did this so that if she disappeared the press could help to find her.

On the way home the national day parade started, my social media feeds were filled with shots of very handsome solders participated in the parade. Many people saying how proud they felt about the motherland. 70 years the country has been through so much, it is not easy to lift up this nation to where it is now. I can’t help to also feel moved by this emotion shared by masses of people.

Got in the car talking to M about my day. I told him this observation I suddenly had. His relationship with his country is very healthy and simple, they celebrate their national day also with parades and parties all over the country. They are very proud of who they are, there are lots of joy shared amongst ordinary people on this day. My relationship with my country is a lot more complicated and twisted. There is rarely a pure joy associated with my country’s celebration, it always comes with some history or current affairs make me think twice before I shout with pride that I love my motherland.

So country and woman, a strange relationship. At least to me it is. I hope one day I could just say without much hesitation that I am very happy and proud to be part of this nation, that is thriving, unstoppable and undefeatable.

 

 

 

 

It was a very heavy documentary to watch. It is not just about Michael Jackson, its more about the complexity of human nature, our desires, fears, childhood trauma, and the impact of becoming a parent.

One thing after watching this I learnt about myself is my lack of passion on something tor someone isn’t necessary a loss. I never really chased a star or one hobby. Sometime I envy people who have total passion towards one sports, one idol or one particular thing (religion). I just don’t have it. I try many things, I enjoy different experiences life can offer. But by the end of the day I don’t fall head over heels for anything. I always thought this is a bad thing, that lack of total commitment to one particular thing, almost like lack of faith. I miss out on being in a fan club or a community, I can’t relate to that hysteria towards something so many are crazy about.  After watching this documentary I think having an open mind is a good thing. Change is constant, so believing in something or someone completely without any doubt can lead to disastrous consequences, just like the lives being destroyed in this documentary.

My parents raised me in a way to have total commitment to myself. It is not to say I am a narcissist, I lack of confidence in many of my abilities. Its more that no matter what faults or imperfections I have, I need to accept myself first. Never try to be someone else, or completely think another person has it all and want to be that person. I remember when I was a kid I would never want to borrow someone’s toy or clothes. Either I own it or if it does not belong to me, I don’t want to hold it just temporarily or pretend to have it for a while. This kind of honesty and acceptance of reality is something I want to instill in my child. One does not need to be perfect to be accepted or loved, the imperfections make one unique in a way that can never be replaced by someone else.

Towards the end of the documentary, when Wade talked about he became a father and all the confusions about right and wrong were gone. He was super clear about boundaries and what actions are acceptable towards his child. I totally relate to this. I mentioned many times that becoming a parent cut out a lot of bullshit in life for me. I don’t pretend to do things I don’t see worth my time, as I want to spend that time with my child. I can relate to lots of pains that families go though when it is about something terrible happen to their children. My heart becomes bigger and stronger and fragile and softer all at the same time since I became a mother. There are so much pain and joy co-exsist together in parenthood. These conflicts were captured really vividly in this documentary.

I always had this tremendous fear towards child sex abuse, after watching this I had to face up to the horrendous details victims go through. Somehow it made me less afraid of it. The monster is always more scary in the dark, when you face it, the power seem to diminish a little.

I am so thankful I have amazing parents who not only protect me with all their power during my childhood, they also taught me some very strong values and skills to survive this harsh world. I have so much love from my family. They trust me, support me and feel proud of me. I think one of the factors help a child grow into a decent person is based on how much kindness the child received while growing up. When you are loved, you learn to love others.