These days things can get a little frustrating at home as we are going into week 11 of this lockdown. But my special power is to find quality in the mundane. Here are some words my 4 year old says to sooth my heart and soul.

Bedtime chat:

Me: I love you always.

B: I love you to the moon. When I love you, I love your whole body, I love you to the whole earth, I love every leaf which is the shape of you.

Conversation after she didn’t listen to what I asked her to do:

Me: Where is the Bella who listens well, I miss her.

B: Well when you say stuff like that it makes me sad. I am still me. When you say where is the Isabella who listens make me think you don’t want me anymore. It makes me very sad.

I hug her tightly and say sorry for the words that hurt her.

Conversation after she explained something really cool in a scientific way in front of me and her Dad.

Me: Thats is super clever, where did you learn that?

Dad: Of course from me, Dad knows everything.

She adds in a small voice: …and the TV.

Her age does not define the wisdom of her words.

This lockdown I went on lots of walks. Ingrid sleeps well in the pram, so going for a long walk during the day not only tick my box of the daily exercise, also she gets to nap. Thats how I found this podcast on BBC Sounds – World of Wisdom. On this programme, they collect questions from people around the world, they are then answered by spiritual leaders.

So after listening to it one day, I decided to send in my own question about having children in a middle of a pandemic. I want to know how to be strong for my children even though sometime I am terrified by what is happening around us. The day after I sent it, I got an email from the producer and they wanted to have a chat as they thought my question could relate to many people around the world. After two weeks back and forth with emails and video calls, I sat down in front of my laptop and had a chat with Reverend Canon Mpho Tutu van Furth. During the recording session there were some technical issues with my microphone, we were stopped twice to fix some minor issues. However, these little pauses didn’t affect the flow of our conversation, and I really enjoyed the half an hour chat with Mpho.

The final editing version added more depth and clarity to my questions and Mpho’s response. My biggest take was that “Love is an action”. Sometime I can get too caught up from thoughts (hence the name of this blog) and feelings, I forget that action can be the most effective way to empower myself and my children. In Chinese there is a saying “撸起袖子，干就对了！” translated as “Roll up your sleeve, get on with it.” Love is not just about feelings, sometime it’s about despite not feeling like it, still doing the things for our loved ones.

Here is the conversation, it is a bleak question to begin with but the answers are filled with positivity and power. We can all take matter into our own hands, change is up to each one of us. We have the power to make decisions which show our children that life is full of wonders and possibilities. After all, what experience is more miraculous than a birth of a child? To me, none so far.

Today Ingrid turned 3 months old. We celebrated at my parents place with some yummy dinner together. We are in the 5th week of the lockdown, this is probably the 4th or 5th lockdown we had since the pandemic started. For some reason, I find this round a lot harder than the previous ones.

I heard a very good podcast by Brene Brown and Amy Cuddy on Pandemic Flux Syndrome. It explained quite well why lots of people finding life is not getting any easier. First of all, our nerve system depleted. I recall at the start of pandemic, I felt full of energy, I was part of the 5 million in NZ to fight this virus. As a community, friends and neighbours reached out to each other via texts and video calls, we checked on people, work organised Zoom tea parties. People were reaching out to those they normally would not spend much time with face to face. There was a real sense of facing a global issue together. There was lots of fear but equally lots of courage and kindness.

But now we are over a year and half into this pandemic, I am a little tired of trying to be brave, kind and courageous. I just want to know for certain when we can resume travel again, I want to stand in queue outside a boarding gate holding my ticket to hop on the plane and visit somewhere I have never been, or visit families and friends abroad. I am tired of feeling worried and concerned about all aspects of life. The constant worry of hand sanitising, wearing mask, wipe off groceries, keeping my kids safe really start getting me impatient with daily activities. Actually I have not wiped groceries once since this lockdown started, and I stoped wearing masks in outdoor spaces.

Another thing I noticed with myself and people around me is that many people want to change something big in their life. Half of my team at work have quit and moved on to new companies. It may be due to people have lots of time to reflect on their life and career.

Psychologists find that we are not very good at forecasting how good or how bad we feel when something happens. For example, many people thought post lockdown they can finally be out having dinner with friends and families, but the joy and excitement they felt were not as strong as they expected during lockdown. Also reading news about the devastating numbers of death around the world, people can still carry on with daily life and not affected too much by these tragic numbers. In summery, we may not feel as good as we thought we would be when something positive happens. Equally when something bad happens in life, we may also surprise ourselves that we are resilient enough to face it.

I felt a little more reassured that there were many people felt it hard to be at this stage of the pandemic. I am not naive to think life will go back to normal, we most likely will never have the pre-covid life back. It’s the uncertainty and the take 5 steps forward 3 steps back making me feeling fatigue and impatient.

Often I am good at seeing the silver linings in life, but this time, I just gonna tell myself it sucks to be in lockdown, it may not get any better. Even if it gets better, I may not feel as amazing as I expect to be, let the past year and half teach me being comfortable in the uncomfortable. Take uncertainty as the only certain thing in life.

晚上打坐，脑子里一直闪现姥姥家的场景。客厅， 主卧，厨房，小姨曾经住的卧室，小舅的卧室。感觉很清晰，连地上铺的地板胶的图案都记得起来。姥姥家的客厅总是昏暗的，但承载的记忆确总是暖暖的。

每次到了姥姥家， 先要按单元门口的门铃， 一道大铁门才开，然后进了楼道一楼左手就是姥姥家。家门又是一扇铁门，往往我们进了楼道， 姥姥就已经出来迎接了。 或者二姨妈也会提高嗓门喊道：“来了，来了！”紧随着开门声。冬天如果外面下了大雪， 一进楼道里，我就边走边跺脚，把鞋子上的雪跺掉。姥姥家的暖气很充足，每次进屋了，换下来的鞋子鞋底总是融化出雪水。为了不把门口的地板弄脏，入门的地板上总是铺着旧报纸或者毛巾。

我的童年大部分是在姥姥家度过的，每天中午放学回姥姥家吃饭， 喜欢用姥姥外公卧室的电话给同学打电话聊天。上小学的我们就很会用电话聊天了。那时候我还很爱翻看我们市区的厚厚的一本电话薄，不是每个人的私人电话都会记录在上面的，外公因为是老干部， 家里的电话和他的名字就会印在这本厚厚的电话薄里。我时不时会找到外公的名字，满足我那时小小的虚荣心。外公去世后，来年的电话薄里还有他的名字，但他的名字印在一个黑框里，意味着他过世了。姥姥家的电话一直是我心里记得的第一个电话号码，姥姥在2014年离开后，我有好几年没打了。

逢年过节，尤其是春节，一定会回到姥姥家。我爷爷奶奶那边是穆斯林，不庆祝春节，所以关于春节的庆祝都是在姥姥家进行的。 但我父母每年会在春节期间为了去哪边父母家过节而争执。现在我也结婚了， 突然意识到他们可能是趁着这个时候， 把积攒一年的矛盾在这个节点都宣泄出来。结果就是， 我到现在对逢年过节都不会全身心的去感受节日气氛， 因为童年里积累了很多父母吵架的片段， 都是和这些重大节日拼凑在一起的。这些事儿的确或多或少影响了我的心态， 比如有值得庆贺的事情，心里总是留一手， 觉得太快乐的事儿都是不可靠的。但这也不是坏事， 因为生活的本质就没有完整的好，和完整的坏， 很多事情是混在一起， 很多感受是有层次的。从小就接受生活里的不完满，也是一种早教。 写到这里，反思我现在也是两个孩子的妈了， 但我还是会尽力给她们创造尽情高兴的场景， 让她们有自信， 相信自己配得上生活里最好， 最开心的事儿。

提件不着边儿的事儿，姥姥家对面的邻居是一家哈萨克族人家。我记事的时候，他家的老爷爷有很久一段时间都没见到，有一天姥姥提起来他，说他失踪很久了，据猜测是进山里遇到山里的狗熊，人就没出来。现在想想也不知道是童年里的传说， 还是真的发生过这件事， 也无从考证了。

絮絮叨叨写下这些，就是因为刚才脑子里的场景太真实了， 觉得自己好像回去姥姥家几分钟，家里的声音和气味都能感受到。 这也是为什么我常打坐，让心沉淀下来，让思绪又是引领我到不同的地方。这次居家隔离估计多多少少又要一个月。可能太久没回去家乡，有点想家了吧。

今天家里的水压不稳定，用完洗手间冲水后有轰隆隆的声响，觉得房子的墙都要被排水管道理压力撑破了。之后还有深棕色的水从龙头里流了出来。等我给自来水公司打完电话，手机上收到妈妈发来的信息，二姨妈走了。

二姨妈应该是在我刚上小学的时候搬回姥姥家住的。那时候外公刚过世不久，我记得到春天的时候， 姥姥就会说二姨妈这个季节容易犯病。在我很小的时候，晚上住在姥姥外公家。二姨妈半夜在姥姥床边，让姥姥出去。我和姥姥睡一起，在睡梦里醒来，迷迷糊糊的看着她和姥姥说话，姥姥让她回去继续睡觉。过了一段时间，二姨妈就住院了。我的记忆中，二姨妈经常出入在医院。有小半年住在医院，出院了就回姥姥家，直到下一次又入院。

我出国以后，二姨妈病情稳定很多，就常年一直和姥姥住在一起。每次我回国，去看望姥姥，二姨妈都很开心的和我说笑，她爱唱歌，留着一条长辫子，每天早上自己梳头发，编成一条麻花辫甩在身后。我写到这里，脑海里就浮现出二姨妈甩辫子的样子。二姨妈皮肤特别好，总是白嫩的脸庞，挂着微笑问我生活好不好。 姥姥和二姨妈作伴，两个人每天一起做饭吃，二姨妈负责买菜。每次我回去，姥姥给我做好吃的，二姨妈都负责用电饭煲蒸米饭，然后给每个人盛上一碗热腾腾的白米饭。

现在我长大成人，就理解二姨妈在我小时候做的一些事情是因为有幻听。她长期用药，如果药量不合适，或者有什么事情刺激了她，就会犯病。2014年11月份，姥姥走了，二姨妈在之后的几个月又再次入院。我现在有点想不起来最后一次见到二姨妈是什么时候，应该还是在姥姥家，有国光阿姨照顾着她。我回到新西兰后，听说二姨妈由医院转去了疗养院，去年又回到了姥姥家，但这次出院后一直卧床不起。

今天早上二姨妈在睡梦里走了，国光阿姨出门买菜回来，发现二姨妈离开了我们。这次，她会和姥姥外公在另一个世界相聚，他们再也不分开了。现在我为人父母，很佩服姥姥外公一直爱护照看这个二女儿。二姨妈也很好的支持照顾着姥姥，她们母女在一起陪伴了很多年。 二姨妈的病其实并不被社会大众所接受，但在姥姥家，我从来没有觉得这是一件值得忌讳的事情。因为家里的爱和相互帮助，二姨妈对我就是一位很亲切的姨妈。也许由于我常年离家，并没有接触到她患病时生活中困难的那一面，所以我的印象里二姨妈就是我的家人。并不因为她精神身体的原因，有任何阴暗消极的回忆。这也是为什么我觉得二姨妈的人生给我上了很好的一堂课，这堂课是关于爱的力量。家人的爱可以阻挡外界的伤害和不友好，有了父母， 手足的爱和保护， 就可以过着平稳的人生。

如果有一天，我的孩子就算成人了也需要我的支持， 我也会像姥姥一样，没有怨言，坚强乐观的陪伴我亲爱的孩子。姥姥外公作为父母，一定也曾因为二姨妈的病觉得困难，委屈，苦恼和担忧，但每当我想起有姥姥和二姨妈一起生活的黄河路的家，一直都是一个温暖， 充满欢笑的家。 那个家永远是给我生命中最初对爱的教育所启蒙的地方，我在那里得到的养分，让我不管到哪里都懂得爱，认识爱，学会接受并给予爱。

我很幸运，有这样一位与众不同的二姨妈。 二姨妈，再见！请代我给姥姥外公一个大大的拥抱。